What is Braddah’s Gallery?
Hi there,
You don’t know it yet, but you have already played a role in my story and relationship with suicide.
I have a story I’d like to tell. About me and a dog, Braddah, who saved my life. It’s a long story to tell as I’ve had suicidal ideations as an undercurrent most of my life. In fact, because that was my norm, I thought what I was feeling was normal.
At that time, my language and toolkit, or lack of, made my ways of asking for help to fall on deaf ears. Reestablishing a deep feeling of not belonging.
I learned quickly that in order to remain “normal”, I had to hide in plain sight. Yet my darkness was my quiet and private companion.
I am the one that confuses you. I am the one that people say “I didn’t know.” “Why would she?” “She seemed happy.” “I don’t understand how this could happen.” Well I do. At least from the lens of my experience.
My desire is to tell you this long story in a sensory experience. For the impact of needed intimacy as words are not enough. I hope to create a visceral pathway to a door that can lead to a bridge that can land on common ground, literally. 11 years ago when I first was trying to figure out how to live, I did a series of 29 paintings in an attempt to resolve my own confusion and feelings. Then again, after Braddah’s passing in 2020, I relied on painting to help me through it all.
Which I believe if presented as a large-scale gallery and sensory experience could give language to those who don’t know how to express their internal landscape. How we currently discuss suicide was unuseful for me. And in some ways encouraged my reticence. I don’t think I’m alone, as the stats continue to climb with a sense of restlessness.
I know the why and the what, and I need help with the how. I need resources. People who trust my vision and what I’m trying to communicate. It must be larger than life because when you are in that space, it feels larger than you.
Yes, this is my story, Braddah’s story, and my expression of those stories. But this Gallery needs to be bigger than me and my story. This is the “Story of Us”, living the human experience. Will you help me tell it?
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Robbie & Braddah Man
PS. It’s gonna take me awhile to get through it all. Be patient with me. I have 2 different timelines. And 40 paintings to share in intimate detail with you.
PSS. If you’d like to learn more about me and Braddah’s relationship, I wrote out our story. Our gift to you should you choose to read it. Click here.
How you can help
If you would like to help me create Braddah’s Gallery, you can share this book, it’s free. You can share my Nidra’s, a lot of which are free. You can share my classes. Or you can donate towards Bradds Gallery by clicking this button. Thank you for putting your your time & energy into spreading Big Bradds Love!
Let’s Build It,
Robbie.
GROUND RULES
September is #suicideawareness month, October is #pitbullawareness month. I was saved by a pitbull when I almost committed suicide about a decade ago. As I learn to regulate my nervous system and physiology, it’s time I increase my line of tension.
Allow me to be really clear.
My posts are going to be me telling you ‘The Story of Us’. Told in the form of my dream… an interactive, multi-sensory experience/gallery. I will walk you through the process of bringing myself back from the dead with the guidance of my dog. The paintings I’ll be showing you are mostly from that time. I did these paintings not for profit or fame. I did these paintings because I was so utterly confused as to what I was feeling. I numbed myself for so many years prior. When I allowed myself to feel things again I was flooded with all the feelings, all at once. Which in all honesty, I’m surprised I survived.
Due to the sensitivity to this content, I have some rules:
1- I’m telling you MY story. I will not argue/debate whether or not how I feel/felt is truthful for you or someone you know. It’s truthful for me and this story is from my lens.
2- If at any moment I feel overwhelmed by revealing my inner world, I will not respond to comments. This story is embedded into my body. I can still feel what it felt like to be me. If I need a moment to breathe through the process, it’s not personal.
3- Do not give me your pity. My story doesn't make me weak.
4- I will NOT get into the story(ies) that got me to a Suicidal mindset. That part of the story is boring. Unuseful. Doesn’t move me forward. What is useful is what I did/do about it. That is the story that I find interesting. That is the story I will tell.
5- My intention: spread Big Bradds Love. His Love is SO big it feels selfish to keep it for myself. I desire to “talk” to my younger “old” self. I want to give her language I know she can understand.
#storyofus #bigbraddslove #savedbyadog #physiology #nervoussystemregulation #tothrive #forbradds #whatsyourwaffle
Part 1
Paintings from October 2012 - July 29, 2013
If I get to have my way, this part of the gallery you will walk alone. No phones. No other devices. No other people. Just you and a hologram of Bradds, your guide, and your personal experience with the sensations of the room. As he appears he leads you into the next room. As he disappears he leaves you on your own Adventure.
Just as I followed him, so will you. Braddah guides you through the recesses of my mind and experience with feeling suicidal. And all of the sensations that arose as I tried to find my way out of that dark place.
The floor “plan”
First Floor
Second Floor
Third Floor
LOGISTICS AND LOCATION - PART 1
Your imagination will be required as you journey through my weirdo mind (that’s not derogatory). In terms of logistics/location, this may ALL change. For now, understand I know there’s safety implications, etc, and what you are seeing is as big as I see it in my head.
Imagine a 3 story building (possibly 4 or 5 now that Part 2 is being created in real-time). Imagine each story to be 40 feet tall. Yes, massive. I need you to MOVE your body as you walk through this. There is a physiological element to my healing and that must be a part of this experience. I’ll be taking you on a walk… just like how Braddah walked me.
Part 1 - You’ll be walking through the gallery alone. Yes, alone. There is a part of my healing that I traveled alone, there was only Braddah. Imagine that I was able to take videos of Braddah and create a hologram. Braddah, being your guide, your timer. He will appear and disappear when it’s time to walk you through the next room. Each room will have it’s own feel, message, lesson, reflection.
There will not be any signage telling you what I felt when I made these paintings. No titles. It’s important to me that you feel what YOU feel. Without my influence. I want to prompt you to look within. What is YOUR body saying to you? What you feel is your path. I’m simply showing you mine. There will be smells, textures, things close to you, things far away, subtle messages, actions required on your part… and possibly kleenex spread throughout (I know I’ll be crying).
Imagine part of the path to go up hills, down hills, side-wind, traverse, “fall”, being swallowed, creating fire, using your breath, rewiring, breaking, seeing, ripping, feeling, talking, listening. Yes, you will DO these things… hence, an experience.
This is my floor “plan”.
#thestoryofus #braddahs gallery #floorplan #stories #walking #physiology #suicideawareness #mentalhealthawareness #helpmecreatethisUniverse #tothrive #forbradds #whatsyourwaffle
Room #1
PAINTING #1 - GIRL IN THE RAIN OCTOBER 2012
I was too tired and numb to even write the date. My personal path to Suicide was not rash. I was planning my departure with the same numbness one would write their grocery list. Picking the “best” method and testing theories in my head. It started off innocently. With wanting a vacation, to desiring being on a deserted island, to wanting to run away, to well... more detailed imaginations. In the moment I did not know you would call this disconnection, disassociation, hell, in a lot of ways I did not even realize I was depressed. This feeling became my new norm. It was insidious. Slow. A little more creeped in year after year after year. I was the person that confused you. I knew no one would know why… because no one knew me. Really knew me.
What I did know is that it felt like life sucked. All the time. I’d say things like “bad shit always happens to me”. Lo’ and behold, it did. Life itself felt heavy, like a burden. I wanted to feel free from that. I tried, what I thought was everything. I was tired. Being alive felt like fatigue. And so so heavy. Like something was always looming. And I was waiting for it to snatch me at any given moment. Always lingering. Always lurking.
This piece will be hung at the beginning. Braddah blips in and you’re about to walk down a long long hallway that’s pitch black at the end. You have no idea what you are walking towards, but it’s so dark it’s difficult to see. It’s narrow. Cramped. And gets darker, and darker, and darker. You pass some kind of material that’s blocking the ‘surprise’), the room is incredibly dark. Behind you, unbeknownst to you, are strips of one way glass. But it’s too dark for you to notice. You wouldn’t be able to see outside anyways.
Something grabs your attention (a sound) that makes you look up. A light quickly strobes. Long enough for you to see ‘something’ lingering above you. But what it is… has no form.
Braddah barks and leads you into the next room…
#suicideawareness #mentalhealthawareness #thestoryofus #braddahsgallery #disconnection #disassociation #darkness #art #gallery #tothrive #forbradds #whatsyourwaffle
Room 2
PAINTING #2 - UNKNOWN 11.28.12
When you lack the awareness of how you personally operate and navigate, relationships can feel, well, impossible. It can feel as if you are watching everyone else from a window. As if that bond with others is out of your reach. Something foreign. Unavailable to you. You’re unable to see how you operate contributes to this gap, this space, this divide, even when all you desire is to connect.
It is confusing when your heart seems to lead you into situations where the result is heartbreak, over and over and over again. Whether those relationships are partners, friends, bosses, co-workers. A trend and pattern starts to arise over the years. You see the gap. Yet, you’re unable or lack the knowledge to do anything about it. Adding to the feeling of helplessness. How do you build community when what seems like every time you do, it turns out you’ve allowed “wolves” onto your happy little farm? You start to feel your own insanity within. And the heart breaks repeatedly. Solitude starts to feel safer.
Braddah leads you into another dark room, lighter than the previous, but still relatively dark. It seems as if the walls are weeping. The room is small with a small light on this piece. Behind you, the entire wall is one-way glass. You again, cannot see out. What you can see is water. Weeping on the inside of the glass. You can hear it. You can even touch the veins of water, somewhat changing it’s trajectory, while it still flows down the wall. All you can hear are the walls, sobbing.
Braddah blips in, gives you that googly look with that big smile, and walks you into the next room…
#thestoryofus #braddahsgallery #room2 #dark #art #gallery #acrylic #painting #suicideawareness #mentalhealthawareness #relationships #foreignterritory #heartbreaks #divide #weeping #helpmecreatethisgallery #tothrive #forbradds #whatsyourwaffle
ROOM #3
When Hopes an Illusion
My Metamorphous
Emerging
Inside a Slimy Cocoon
Ripping the Skin to the next room
PAINTINGS #3 WHEN HOPES AN ILLUSION 12.02.12
#4 MY METAMORPHOUS I 01.07.13
#5 EMERGING 01.05.13
I couldn’t breathe. Life felt suffocating, therefore, my biology acted accordingly. I subconsciously held my breath. All the time. As if he knew, he would lay with me, and take in a big sigh. Prompting my body to mimic his. Next thing I knew, I’d finally breathe. With him. It would take me a decade later to realize how important this piece was/is. Breathing changes your physiology & I started to become confused. Driving around Red Rock and imagining scenarios of driving off cliffs, I was listening to @sarabareilles #onceuponatime. Looking at Bradds and his goofy smile, I was torn for my love towards him and my desire to not want to live. What would happen to him? He’s a pit. Pitbulls are not loved.
What now? This did not feel like hope. This felt like pain. A conundrum. These 3 were painted. It prompted me to get him a sitter and drive to the Ocean. It was cold. Gloomy. Torn does not describe my feelings well enough. It felt like I was ripping myself apart. Like a crocodile rolling around to kill its prey. Brutal. With my toes in the sand, I leaned towards leaving this life. As I was confirming that decision I heard a voice, maybe my own, maybe Bradds, maybe life itself. All I heard was “not yet”. I. Was. Pissed.
What was I supposed to do with that? I’ve tried my whole life to feel better and nothing has worked. Why would that change now? Life ripped me apart, and now I have to volunteer to rip myself apart even more? Bullshit.
Braddah walks you into a tight, dank, slimy, room with veins. The air is thin and stinky. A path zigzags. Walls are like skin, wrapped around you. At the end of the path you realize you can’t move on unless you rip open this skin. To give birth to a new part of you that you still don’t know exists. Birth, it’s not exactly clean. When you rip your way through, Braddah appears before you and runs up the hill to show you something…
#thestoryofus #art #gallery #acrylic #suicideawareness #suicide #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #breathe #physiologymatters #decidingtolive #pissed #ripping #cocoon #helpmecreatethis #tothrive #forbradds #whatsyourwaffle
Room #4
PAINTING #6 - I have the power to change, with a healthier perspective, whatever that may be 01.11.13
I decided to take suicide out of my option basket. It had to become ‘not an option’ by embracing the reality that the option is there. How would I live with this new reality? To Live… what does that even mean? Crap, hell if I know. I’ve never actually asked that question. I certainly don’t know where the fuck to begin.
How am I going to figure out how to live this life I hate? I don’t really wanna be here. Yet I can’t seem to bring myself to leave Braddah on his own… with a random human. Humans suck. Great. How in the hell am I supposed to stay here, for him, AND be ok with it. Where do I begin… this thought obsessively rotating in my head. Reminding me I have zero clue as to what I’m doing. Even with all the mess still occurring in my head. My body knew. It could feel being allowed to live was a big deal.
Here, I am becoming untethered to my previous fantasies. Ironically, I don’t think I was ever meant to be tethered. I don’t think any of us are. I think it goes against our Nature. We are meant to fly, to be, as we are. Not in the self-excusing way where our behaviors hurt others and ourselves. But in the way of a dance. Because we are not perfect. We are quite flawed. And somehow that IS part of the grand design.
You’ve just exerted yourself, ripping out of the cocoon. Now you’re engulfed in the feeling of feeling small as you find yourself in the middle of trunks from the giant redwoods. Walking uphill you notice a room full of butterflies. As you hike up the ratio of black / gray to color butterflies switches. In the middle of the hill is where this piece will hang, being surrounded by birch… trees so flexible you can stand on them. Adaptation. The path splits into two (my decision to change direction), still leading me to the one path that was always mine. At the top of the hill Braddah runs around the corner, leading you into another room...
#thestoryofus #art #gallery #acrylic #suicideawareness #suicide #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #untethered #physiologymatters #butterflies #letgo #release #voices #helpmecreatethis #tothrive #forbradds #whatsyourwaffle
Room #5
PAINTING #7 - To have hope is to have courage, to have courage is to have hope 01.19.13
#8 - learn from your mistakes, bloom 01.20.13
#9 - ashes & wine 01.21.13
Hope can feel difficult. How do you have hope when you feel helpless? It’s kinda a catch 22. Which is why statements like “change your vibe” or “just be happy” or “look at the bright side” or my favorite, “fake it till you make it”, left me imagining (quite often) punching people in the nose. They still do. Movies and media love to show us that all we need to feel better is a fast forward montage of us cleaning our home. Then BOOM… look at that… everything is better. Life is all of a sudden grand because you finally took a shower and threw away the pizza boxes. (Exception is @rickygervais & #theafterlife.)
Sure, I decided to live. Yes, I became untethered to my fantasies. But life got harder, not easier. A series of events occurred that left me wondering if I made the wrong choice. I wanted to feel different. I desired to feel good on a consistent basis. I tried to feel more uplifted. But faking it it turns out, requires more suppression. Probably not the best advice for me as I spent decades suppressing. Suppressing and not acknowledging my emotions became a loaded gun. Yet, no human in my circle had the ability to allow me to feel this rush of stacked suppressed emotions. Braddah did though. He had the ability to comfort me through any storm. Pressing my shoulders down mid-sob, and licking my tears away until I laughed. Nothing would stop him. Not even anger. Only laughter. Man, I’m so lucky.
As you come around the corner, you are intimidated by a storm. The darkest of clouds fills this deep long room. The path is so long. Tall black grass covers the floor. A path that is so tight yet your only option. Squeezing you in a way that as you walk the palms of hands feel the texture of the grass. There are sparks of color within the clouds that light up from time to time. But not enough to pierce through the darkness. The path is long. And for what? You’re not sure as it’s difficult to see ahead. Braddah sits with you at each piece, until it’s time to move forward…
#thestoryofus #art #gallery #acrylic #painting #suicideawareness #mentalhealthawareness #longpath #storm #onestepatatime #sittingwithsomeoneisbetterthanspeaking #tothrive #forbradds #whatsyourwaffle
Room #6
PAINTING #10 - FRAGMENT OF LIGHT 01.24.13
The tapes in my head were intoxicating. Rotating and keeping me stuck. Everything was going to kill me. Everything was too hard. Everything was pointless. I decided I was going to stay in the same rabbit hole if I kept using the same language.
If I was going to question my new path, it needed to be either HOW can I live with this? or What CAN I do? No other questions were an option. This led me to step into things I was afraid of as my starting point. I was, after all, afraid of everything.
I needed to start small. Take on too much and I might choke. What am I afraid of that I can tackle without falling apart? What CAN I do? The night before my first tattoo I felt a surge of something I have not felt in a long long time, excitement. Weird, I still feel fear, yet I’m also feeling exhilarated. To feel life includes allowing yourself to feel pain, disappointment, fear, finding your edges (which shift & change).
Braddah loved the edge. Running right up to the line of cliffs and tall rocks. Like he feared nothing. Or at least Loving Life more than being afraid. He leads you along this dirt path and runs right to the edge of a rock overhanging a valley. Suspended in the air, at the edge, is this next painting. Reminding you that part of living includes some risk. Even when you’re afraid.
#thestoryofus #art #gallery #acrylic #painting #suicideawareness #suicide #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #longpath #livingontheedge #onestepatatime #fear #afraid #leanintoit #pain #edges #risk #helpmecreatethis #tothrive #forbradds #whatsyourwaffle
Room #7
PAINTING #11 - confronting myself 01.28.13
Have you ever had a moment where you had the cognition to recognize that even if you “win”, you’re about to get fucked up? I imagine that’s occurring in the mind of a warrior, brooding on a hill, overlooking the battle he’s about to volunteer himself into. I had that moment. Except with more terror than the gallant hero in the movies I saw. I could see the battle I was about to embark on. The battle to live without hating this life. This is gonna be brutal.
Although the rolling hills are stunning, this room is full of screaming voices and clatter. As you approach the weapons rack, you see the dark field below. Full of red eyes & mirrors. When you grab your weapon, Braddah does his “LET’S GO!” bark & runs into battle like he was born to be a hero.
You notice 3 or 5 mirrors stand out as they look like tombstones along your path. The writing on these mirrors have negative beliefs you’re personally struggling with (you wrote them down purchasing your ticket). The red eyes follow your every step. To the horror of these eyes, you smash every mirror. One at a time. You’re led into a cave with 7 red eyes & an actual nervous system. There are 7 wires that look like old operator wires. But it’s all wired inefficiently & the cords look dull. As you rewire this nervous system, the red eyes disappear one by one. When each cord is working properly, you’re aware because they glow in the colors of the chakras.
Once you’re “rewired”, the ground shakes and the Earth cracks open and silence follows…
#thestoryofus #braddahsgallery #suicideawareness #mentalhealthawareness #art #gallery #acrylic #battle #ohboy #warrior #mirrors #nervoussytemregulation #rewire #peace #tothrive #forbradds #whatsyourwaffle
room #8
painting #12 - energies shifting 01.31.13
“You don’t know what you don’t know.”
I did not realize the truth of this statement until it whopped me upside the head. Not only did the Earth crack open, color & depth started to come back to my vision.
Because of the Vegas heat, it was fairly common for us to have Adventures near Sunset. And sometimes we would even stay until the stars would come out & keep us company. Every couple of weeks we even got the Full Moon to light our way. Even in hindsight it feels like this shift came out of nowhere. I still struggle to describe how I mean color came back to my vision both figuratively AND literally.
It deeply felt like I was between 2 worlds. The world I knew had similar shapes, but now everything is upside-down. And the gradient of color is remarkable. The creative in me can’t help but notice this shift in my vision. Especially when we were out during this special time of the day.
The Sunsets have this yellow light that brought about a whole new strange world. I felt like I was the Alien among it all. As beautiful and mysterious as it was, I found this all very confusing. Sometimes I would even judge myself for these ‘good’ feelings. Like reality said that was false hope and I was foolish. My eyes must be playing tricks on me.
You walk through the cracked Earth, into a room where the world is upside down. Where you could almost touch the tops of the trees. All the gradients of color from a sunset ascend the dusk sky. And bring out extra color in everything. You walk among the stars, Braddah right by your side…
#thestoryofus #braddahsgallery #suicideawareness #suicide #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #art #gallery #acrylic #cracked #energyshifting #energymoves #confused #nervoussytemregulation #gradient #sunset #dusk #upsidedown #strangeworld #alien #stillbyyourside #helpmecreatethis #tothrive #forbradds #whatsyourwaffle
room #9
PAINTING #13 - FIGHTING FOR MY FIRE 02.01.13
Although I was beginning to have mini moments when I felt good, I was still very much deluded. I still thought there was an end goal in all of this. I was supposed to turn into something else, be someone else, get somewhere else, have something else. I took more hard swings of mistakes and began to realize I was a feral Alien in a land that operated outside of my experience.
I started to realize the “battle” was far from over. My promise to Bradds, turns out, was complex, layered, global, ever-moving and ever-changing. Kinda like Earth herself.
I decided to mimic what I had begun to learn from our Mother, Nature. I knew I needed to build myself a Core. A heat source where I could stoke my fire again & again. A place where I could burn away all the layers that were never mine to begin with. I was, after all, full of legitimate reasons why my life was the way it was. But Mother does not care about my Stories. She merely gave me a place to burn them.
Braddah was completely unphased. I, on the other hand, was full of overwhelm. I needed to pause. To take it all in, all the new things & feelings. To filter the difference between what was really mine, and what was just a Story.
Braddah runs out into a gripping landscape. The first thing you notice is a nest of my Stories. You can feel it is a source of heat. As it spider’s out into the veins of the lava rock below you, heating up your path along the way. This room has a paradoxical sensation to it. Ahead you can see an engrossing structure of a lava tube formation. Growing dramatically from the ground up, almost in an expression of pain, and yet somehow also beautiful. Still, there is a softness to this room as ash floats down from the sky. Reminding you of the things you’ve already burned away.
There’s a stack of sticks & paper. In one sentence you write a Story you’d like to burn away. You wrap the paper around the stick and toss your Story into the fire. Pele rumbles as you feed her your desire. Braddah’s bark echoes through the lava tube to grab your attention. It’s time to move forward & leave that Story behind…
#thestoryofus #braddahsgallery #suicideawareness #suicide #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealth #art #gallery #acrylic #overwhelm #lavatube #nest #phoenix #mimicNature #nervoussytemregulation #stories #somanystories #somanymanystories #burnthemall #allnotthemall #moveforward #leaveyourstoriesbehind #helpmecreatethis #tothrive #forbradds #whatsyourwaffle
room #10
PAINTING #14 - WHAT IS THIS FEELING I’M FEELING? 02.03.13
When you’ve never taken the time to decipher your emotions, it can be difficult to know what to do with them. Even feeling them can be daunting if you don’t understand emotions are information. They are your mind and body trying to meet at the intersection of your intuition. I believe my intuition lives at this crossroad. Without presence, either my mind or body will dominate that moment. My mind is full of fear. Yet my body is excited to move forward. My mind tends to focus on what will kill me. My body, purely desiring to survive. This is so confusing.
A lot of what I was feeling was new and required defining. I knew about fear, anger, happiness and sadness. It wasn’t enough to describe the nuances. I knew there was a lot more learning that needed to take place. I needed to take the time to become aware of feelings I have AND have not experienced. But my mind would become agitated that I couldn’t predict the risks along the way. I didn’t have enough experiences to make predictions beyond fear. Everything felt unsafe. This “need” to know the path is a terrible strategy when reality works by revealing one stone at a time.
The more I stepped forward, the more it felt like life was closing in on me. There was a tiny and quiet sensation of hope that allowed me to make the tiniest of steps forward. The hope that I didn’t need to know. I simply had to follow Bradds.
No matter how dark and scary and closed off it felt, I could see something for me at the “end”. At least that’s what I thought at that time. In hindsight it was never the unknown thing that I assumed was at the “end”. There was never an end. There was only the pathway THROUGH the darkness where I would receive everything I needed. Which included feeling ALL the feelings.
Braddah is ahead of you. Patiently waiting where you don’t want to go. As the walls of lava rock grow up and around you, it becomes both darker and warmer. You focus on Bradds. And walk forwards anyways.
Learn more about my dream, click the link in my bio for Braddah’s Gallery. Know how Braddah saved my life, click Braddah’s Book. It’s free and will tell you why a dog created a drive in me to Thrive.
#thestoryofus #braddahsgallery #suicide #suicideawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthmatters #art #gallery #acrylic #thepathisthrough #nervoussytemregulation #feelings #emotions #confused #trees #roots #onestepatatime #thepathrevealsitselfslowly #movethrough #focusonBradds #helpmecreatethis #tothrive #forbradds #whatsyourwaffle
room #11
PAINTING #15 - BREWING 02.05.2013
When I hear people explain how they feel lost, although I’m empathetic, I’m sometimes smiling. Without discounting any one person’s experience, I find our minds act and sound the same. Sometimes the Scify fan in me sees it like we share the same mind. We just haven’t come to the point of self-realization. Our ego’s… afraid. Afraid that our intimate connectedness will somehow dilute our individuality. But for fun and play, imagine that with me.
You see, I’m smiling when you tell me your individual story about not knowing what to do with your life… and the depression that follows a lack of purpose… the emptiness that keeps you in bed although you are awake… the disappointment you feel because you have no drive… the shame you can’t seem to figure out life… the sensation of feeling alone as if you were the only one on the planet with this problem. I’m smiling because although our stories are different, our tone is the same. Every story I’ve heard, the same tone is present. Like our minds have the same dialect. Fascinating.
My darkness enveloped me. I only focused on the very next step. Like I was playing a game of hot or cold hide-n-seek. My next step only revealed itself after I stepped forward. Teaching me to keep my balance by making my steps smaller. Giving me the permission to meet myself where I was at.
The walls of lava rock completely embody you now. Braddah seems to know you don’t like it here. Never allowing you to catch up to him. Waiting till you’re about 10 feet away, to run off ahead of you once more. Stones revealing your path. Showing up one at a time. The more steps you take, the warmer it becomes. An unknown shape up ahead. Braddah waiting.
#thestoryofus #braddahsgallery #suicide #mentalhealth #weareone #art #gallery #acrylic #onestepatatime #onebreathatatime #onepercent #nervoussytemregulation #moveforward #hotorcold #liferevealsitself #envelopeddarkness #lost #nopurpose #shame #fear #afraid #tothrive #forbradds #whatsyourwaffle
room #12
PAINTING #16 - WHEN A YOUNG GIRLS HEART BROKE 3 TIMES. FIRST WITH A LIE, THEN WITH THE TRUTH, AND LAST BECAUSE SHE RAN. 02.06.2013
Have you ever felt like you were onto something but couldn’t explain what? Or where? Or how? All you know is that you are warm? Having scary Adventures with Braddah did that to me. I didn’t even know what I was after.
All I knew for sure, was that I was in a lot of pain. But I couldn’t truly have explained anything at that time. In fact, my stories about why I felt the way I felt occurred often. Consistently proving to myself that shit just ends up wrong for me. It’s just the way it is. I tried so many times to get out of this cycle.
I felt like life was a sick joke being played on me. So to feel like I was onto something was like hearing the clunks while you climb up a rollercoaster knowing you’re not strapped in. No one told me that change could be this terrifying. All I heard was “Just do it.”, “You could just be happy.”, “Make better choices.”. I wish someone was more honest. I could have prepared myself with better tools. Instead, I continuously cycled back to my defaults, and I would run or freeze. As I crumbled from the inside.
After many small steps, you walk into a hot cave at the end of the lava tube. Braddah barks and it echo’s. The vibration of his echo crumbles the unknown lava rock pile before you. Revealing this piece, which opens a door, that lets in a chilly breeze. Braddah runs through… and with a wholehearted trust… you follow.
#thestoryofus #braddahsgallery #suicide #mentalhealth #suicideawareness #mentalhealthmatters #suicideprevention #art #gallery #painting #acrylic #heartbroken #lies #truth #stories #stuckinacycle #crumblingfrominside #run #freeze #nervoussystem #learntoregulate #ontosomething #breathe #physiologymatters #tothrive #forbradds #whatsyourwaffle
room #13
PAINTING #17 - I MAY NOT KNOW WHERE I’M GOING, BUt AT LEAST I’M ON A PATH 02.08.2013
I wondered why I just didn’t “get it”? I desired change & yet ended up back at square one. I watched myself self-sabotage opportunities without a full comprehension as to why. I created stories to justify pulling away from choices that would have served me best. And yet, something in my body didn’t feel good. The frozen overwhelm of “why try”. I began to believe it was me. I assumed I was just broken.
I started to realize I was making decisions determined by my past. The brain is a predictive machine after all. I didn't have experiences my brain could lean on to. This is when I decided my journey will be forever.
In order to change my future, I needed to change my past by building new experiences in my now.
The amount of options was overwhelming. I had to catch up. Braddah was already at the top. In front of you is a massive 2 story ramp. You watch Bradds run up a difficult way, pointing out the MANY paths. My drawing doesn’t give this justice, but imagine this ramp to look like the “roads” of choice. The neural circuits in the brain. (Hopefully you’re beginning to understand why I yearn to pick smart brains like @hubermanlab , @doctor.brein , @drmattwalker , @davideagleman , @lisabarrett12 )
At the top you are left to choose between 3 doors that look exactly the same. There are no hints to tell/guide/direct which is the “right” path. Some of the walls have the ability to be pushed & moved. Some even move on their own. Sounding like ancient rocks on Indiana Jones.
As I excavated my inner world, I came to the conclusion that as long as I’m aware of how I operate, no path is “wrong”. Simply stay on a forward moving path without needing to know where it goes. One choice at a time, you follow the sound of Bradds calling out to you, leading you to the next room…
#thestoryofus #braddahsgallery #suicide #suicideprevention #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthmatters #suicideawareness #art #gallery #acrylic #manychoices #manypaths #lotus #path #changeyourfuture #bychangingyourpast #bychangingyournow #knowthyself #nervoussystem #learntoregulate #neuroscience #physiology #tothrive #forbradds #whatsyourwaffle
ROOM #14
PAINTING #18 - I’M JUST ABOUT TO SET FIRE TO EVERYTHING I SEE 02.11.2013
One of the biggest challenges with building stairs in the grave I had dug was the barrage of feelings that arose that I could not understand. Only in hindsight, with more experience, am I able to define them. The time I’ve spent still, reflecting, has been critical for my own comprehension.
This piece will always carry a very personal significance to me. The left is my past. The right is my future. I was feeling hope. Hope as a sensation for someone who navigated life numb is difficult to explain. As hope is complex, like everything, it has both “good & bad”. I hope this room and piece give that process the proper voice.
After your time in the moving maze, you find yourself back in a deep dark cave. You hear the rhythmic & soothing sound of a single drop of water. The echoing sound pulls your vision. You see a small island in the middle of a very still pond. That single drop of water, beating into the center of a barren island. Braddah appears & runs to the middle of a bridge for a better view & sits. You follow him. He was better at finding vantage points after all.
From the center of this bare & blackened island, you witness a cherry blossom tree grow from a seedling to full bloom in a matter of minutes. From nothing, twisting & growing upwards, the flowers eventually unfold & open in front of you.
At full bloom the flowers ignite with a white blue flame. The tree does not burn. It ignites. It stays in full flame, full bloom. All 3 branches, your Body, your Mind, your Soul… all parts to a singular Tree. Leaving you with a mystical sensation that is beyond your understanding. All you know is that this is the feeling you want to pursue. So you follow Bradds into the next room…
#thestoryofus #braddahsgallery #suicide #suicideprevention #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #suicideawareness #art #gallery #acrylic #painting #healingisaprocess #mindbodysoul #weareconnected #hope #fire #burning #echo #nervoussystem #learntoregulate #physiology #tothrive #forbradds #whatsyourwaffle
room #15
painting #19 - blood is fire pulsing through our viens 02.15.13
If you have been following along with Braddah’s Gallery, do you remember the 1st room?
(If you’re new to this story, click the link in my bio. Read room by room, my biggest dream. Which is creating my story and path out of suicide, led by Braddah, my dog, who saved my life.)
Well what you were unaware of until now, is that when that sound prompted you to look up, and when that strobe went off, we took a digital picture of you in the state of the first room. When it was the darkest. Something moved me listening to the song “The Cure for Pain” @jonforeman. The lyrics jumped out and struck me like lightning.
“So blood is fire pulsing through our veins
We're either riders, or fools behind the reins
I've spent ten years trying to sing it all away
But the water keeps on falling from my tries
And heaven knows... heaven knows
I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my Lord, to suffer like you do...
It would be a lie to run away”
A cornerstone moment, when I realized it was up to me. Me, I was solely responsible for developing a relationship with myself. I was a different person when it was just me & Bradds. So being that person at all times seemed like a great place to start.
The walls have veins that look like they are pumping fire. You see this version of yourself from the past. You push your hand into the stone. The picture of past you burns in front of your eyes as the next door opens.
I wrote to myself that day, “I can no longer keep running away. The relationship that’s been lacking is within me.” The fool in me thought I could write this post re-listening to this song without crying. Music has a way of transcending time. I just felt an older version of me, in my body. Wow, what a fucking ride man.
Side note: #N=1 changed my life, GO! @shift_adapt Thank you @_brianmackenzie & @intrinsic_way for being on this journey with me. My gratitude is DEEP! I’m amazed at my own ability to feel AWE as often as I do.
#thecureforpain #art #gallery #acrylic #painting #suffering #suicide #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #mentalhealthmatters #buildarelationshipwithyourself #knowthyself #beresponsible #onestepatatime #buildyourself #stonebystone #nervoussystemregulation #read #regulate #reinforce #stress #adapts #shift #change #newchoices #braddahsgallery #thestoryofus #tothrive #forbradds #whatsyourwaffle
room #16
PAINTING #20 - DETERMINED 02.19.13
I Love the flowers from back home. They have a sense of resilience to me. Having to survive salt constantly in the air. Be sturdy yet flexible enough to withstand the winds of the open oceans. The notorious rains & even fighting for sunlight in the areas where the forest is so thick it’s like a canopy.
Sometimes I think because we pick flowers at will & shove them into vases outside of their natural environment… we forget their ability to adapt & survive. We forget or don’t give credit to all the layers that make flowers both delicate & strong. We can underplay the joy the beauty of Nature brings us when we are in a dark space.
Similar to the way we forget & underplay the layers of ourselves. The things & experiences that have made us both beautiful & strong. Especially the hard stuff. We forget those layers are there. All contributing to the whole of you.
Especially when the body needs to be restored. (Not rested… those are 2 different concepts) And conquering mountains is out of the question. Your needs needing an adjustment. While accepting that this, is also, you.
You follow Bradds down a large flight of stairs. Conquering mountains is not an upward path today. Mirrors are on either side. Giving you the ability to see how the layers of you can go as far as an infinity.
You are complex. And. You are simple. So is growth & healing. Getting yourself to “the top” does not always involve upward inertia. A fog starts to roll in as you enter the next room…
#determined #art #gallery #acrylic #painting #suffering #suicide #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #mentalhealthmatters #hibiscus #knowthyself #restore #onestepatatime #infinity #nervoussystemregulation #read #regulate #reinforce #stress #adapt #shift #change #braddahsgallery #thestoryofus #tothrive #forbradds #whatsyourwaffle
room #17
PAINTING #21 - EVEN AT MY MOST HOPELESS, HOPE REMAINED 02.24.13
For some of us life teaches you that feeling is dangerous. So we numb to survive. And when I numbed myself, it became not too long before I started to feel nothing at all. When my feelings started to creep their way back into existence, a part of me craved to go back.
It’s hard to know what was more consuming… being numb… or defrosting… sensing the sting before the warmth. All while I assumed I even had the gauge to recognize warmth if it were to come my way. Oh boy do I have clever ways of lying to myself about reality.
The only sensations that were clear to me were fear & emptiness. The rest that was beginning to arise was like finding my way through thick fog while driving 90 mph along a curvy cliffside. Although Braddah stirred up enough to make me curious, I would be lying to you, and him, if I didn’t admit I also didn’t fully believe I could ever feel anything else but pain. HE gave me goodness. I didn’t yet believe that that came from me. Within.
Braddah runs off into the fog… you can’t tell if you’re walking on water, or up in the clouds. It’s mystical and eerie at the same time. You feel like you are being watched, but assume it’s the Big Guy. There IS something in the distance. You get closer. That’s not Bradds. As red & yellow eyes rise from the horizon, you are filled with fear & overwhelm.
The ground rumbles and you realize you’re trapped. This dragon has outsmarted you. You are standing on its tongue when you realize it’s swallowing you whole.
Luckily it ate Braddah whole too… who’s waiting for you at the base of this monster...
#hopeless #hope #art #gallery #acrylic #painting #suffering #suicide #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #mentalhealthmatters #dragon #swallowedwhole #fog #tree #fear #emptiness #pain #nervoussystemregulation #read #regulate #reinforce #stress #adapt #shift #change #braddahsgallery #thestoryofus #tothrive #forbradds #whatsyourwaffle
room #18
PAINTING #22 - DOES ANYONE SEE THE DEPTHS TO MY SOUL; OR ARE THEIR PERSPECTIVES DROWNED BY TRANSPARENCIES? 03.01.13
My heart desperately yearns for more definitions of “Love”. “Love” can become severely problematic when one person’s definition does not match the others. Worse, sometimes we can be demanding & take away each other's autonomy by placing conditions on when we reciprocate. We ALL do this, and sometimes in strange ways beyond our own awareness.
How do we know how to exchange with each other when one’s currency is a fresh baked croissant while another’s is submission? (We haven’t even added in the layers of environment, time & place.)
Have you ever asked yourself if you know how to Love? What kinds of actions equate to your definition? We’ve all asked ourselves if someone else would ever Love us? That is a very self-centered and selfish thought by itself. It is not as often that we ask ourselves if we even know how to Love. And if we don’t, how do we learn? What can we do to be expressive in a healthier way?
We are all selfish about different things. It took me a really long time to start seeing how my role, in every gripe I’ve ever had, affected the circumstance. Sure, at that time, I did not know what I needed, and I certainly didn’t know how to Love unconditionally & wholly. Adult humans… we love telling each other how intelligent we, the human adult species, are. Yet children and animals seem to have a deeper inert understanding of how Love shows up.
Somehow there’s a comfort in seeing Bradds being swallowed up with you. The darker side to when I narrowed my world. I was selfish. I do not know how to Love. And he Loved me anyway. Willing to be swallowed whole into this beast that I created partially from questioning others rather than myself. And. Braddah said LET’S GOOOO MOM, and we keep moving forward, until we see a bridge.
#love #lovehard #lovewhole #swallowed #orchid #definitions #art #gallery #painting #acrylicpainting #suicideawareness #suicideprevention #mentalhealth #mentalhealthmatters #nervoussystemregulation #braddahsgallery #thestoryofus #tothrive #forbradds #whatsyourwaffle
room #19
PAINTING #23 - IT’S DEEPER THAN DESIRE. WE WERE DESIGNED FOR HUMAN CONNECTION. DON’T LET FEAR EAT YOU. 03.08.13
I had unforeseen the added Adventure of trying to learn how to Connect. This realization felt like an abyss I could never possibly cross. How DOES one learn to Love if you’re not privy to how healthy Love works in the first place. You dunno what you dunno.
It is difficult to cross over unknown territory. Especially when it feels like the risk is high while the reward is low, or unknown. I do not feel safe. AND… what I seek & desire in this lifetime requires me to cross this chasm. I do not even know how to begin.
If Bradds wasn’t goofily standing on the other side of this bride, I most likely would have never even attempted to cross it. But he was my Anchor, my everything. I didn’t even feel like myself without him. He sits there smiling at me from the other side. Pure joy while all I felt was pure fear.
He sits there pushing you to cross the abyss in complete terror. He knows you’ll cross for him. He knows not to come to you or you’ll run back the way you came. Unable to see the bottom of what you could loose… you maintain eye contact with Bradds and only Bradds.
One step at a time… you make your way across this glass bridge, exposing the darkness that has been all around you. Giving you no time to dwell in your fears, Braddah runs off to the next room so you’ll meet him there.
#art #gallery #painting #acrylicpainting #suicideawareness #suicideprevention #mentalhealth #mentalhealthmatters #nervoussystemregulation #abyss #chasm #darkness #bridge #connection #desire #fear #braddahsgallery #thestoryofus #tothrive #forbradds #whatsyourwaffle
room #20
PAINTING #24 - FIRE SPREADS WHEN AWARENESS IS ITS OXYGEN 03.10.13
Life is funny. It turns out that the abyss I needed to cross was an illusion. But it was only after I took the risk and looked back on my path that I realized I made the chasm bigger than it actually was.
When I was the most depressed, my body was so depleted I would stop breathing… unaware… & often. Somehow Bradds knew. He KNEW I needed to breathe to LIVE. He would curl up in front of me. The perfect spoon. Then push his back deep into my chest. With the pressure of his ribs against mine, he’d take in a deep sigh. And I would watch as my body would mimic his. Braddah literally gave me back my breath.
I have many reasons why I believe Bradds literally saved my life. Why I continue to be surprised I’m alive. But it wasn’t until a decade later that I realized he assisted in pumping back the Source of Life itself into my veins. Giving me the energy to battle the beast I was in.
All I needed was Awareness. It is almost too simple to believe.
You look back onto what you thought was an abyss. You realize your mind created an illusion that was never there. Following Bradds you stand in between the arms of an oversized bellow. You can hear the grumblings of the dragon’s belly that you are in.
You lean into the bellows. They begin to breathe. Your body mimics the movement of the bellows, contributing to the expansion and deflation of both your body, and the bellows of Life. As the breaths naturally extend according to your cadence, a fire is ignited by the oxygen you’ve provided. The fire of awareness is so potent, no darkness can withstand. A fire ignites so greatly it spreads across the roof, burning you out of the belly of the beast. You are led into the next room with Bradds, and a new sense of Life.
#art #gallery #acrylic #painting #acrylicpainting #suicide #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #mentalhealthmatters #bellyofthebeast #breathwork #birthright #oxygen #awareness #hindsight #ignite #nervoussystem #bellows #unveil #braddahsgallery #thestoryofus #tothrive #forbradds #whatsyourwaffle
room #21
PAINTING #25 - THERE IS HOPE FOR THE HOPELESS 03.21.13
Maybe, just maybe, it is possible? Maybe I could learn how to Love in a different way than I know? Maybe I could feel connected? Maybe I could feel a reason to give Love like Big Bradds? And maybe that reason is death. That every moment is an opportunity. To give the sense of belonging to someone else. Rather than wallow in what I don’t have.
It is after all, in my experience, an unknown if that will be your last opportunity to show up for another person. To give them what BIG BOLD LOVE feels and acts like. And, in my experience, there wasn’t a single person who knew or realized how much I did not want to Live. So in my journey of trying to find a way to bring Love into my life, it was a big piece of humble pie to realize the only way to learn… was to give what I did not have.
Even if I had to start with Earth rather than humans. That realization came with both curiosity and pain. I was so low I wanted to receive, and, that was not what Braddah showed me about how Love shows up. Love shows up regardless.
You are walking along a large desert floor. The ground, like thick mud, cracks and crumbles underneath your feet. The sky is full of silver clouds, like a silver lining of my pain. BOOM… wow, this huge majestic flower is in the middle of the desert. All by itself. In full bloom, with its center lit on fire.
As you and Bradds approach this monstrous flower, it bows down to you in reverence of your path. Acknowledging your pain. One of the petals reaches you. You look inside and notice this gift from Earth has left you something. You reach in. And discover a journal that you get to take with you. On the cover it simply states “YOU, are the Answer”.
As you and Bradds trot towards the next room…
#art #gallery #acrylic #painting #acrylicpainting #suicide #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #mentalhealthmatters #desert #mud #crackle #flower #fire #reverence #love #nervoussystem #biglove #youaretheanswer #braddahsgallery #thestoryofus #tothrive #forbradds #whatsyourwaffle
room #22
PAINTING #26 -
HOW LONELY IT IS ON GODS SEA
WITH NO SHORE IN SIGHT
AND WE, LIKE SHIPS IN THE NIGHT,
NAVIGATE ONLY BY THE GRACE OF HIS LIGHT
-RUMI 04.08.13
We crave choice, and, given too many choices we can put our human mind into chaos. It’s called Decision Fatigue. I’d say you could interchangeably use words like Overwhelm, Disoriented, Confusing, or Stuck in a Labyrinth.
I have described my experience with suicide as being in a splintered body. Split up in too many directions. Lacking focus, and often drained. Always busy, always tired. Frustrated that no matter what I did, I was still in what felt like an infinite maze. Relief was always temporary.
The way out felt like trying to find a corner in a round room. Take a moment to imagine the insanity of that. Can you relate?
I often asked myself “where do I begin?” Again, decades later I realized that was the wrong question. In fact, what was required here wasn’t a question. What was required was a statement. “You begin where you begin.”
Period. Dot. The End. I still use that statement today as I titrate my way towards the things I Love about Life the most. “You begin where you begin Rob. Take ONE step towards the general direction you wanna go. And that is enough for today. Tomorrow, you’ll take one more. And one more. And one more.” I’d say I’ve had one hell of a year.
I can cycle back to this place of chaos from time to time. The simplicity is that that statement is enough. And I use it often.
YOU BEGIN WHERE YOU BEGIN
You walk into a labyrinth and are immediately overwhelmed with not knowing where to go. The signs are reminiscent of the Mad Hatter. You don’t even know where to begin. Braddah appears to show you your first steps. One step at a time, you find yourself in the next room…
#art #gallery #acrylic #painting #acrylicpainting #suicide #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealth #choices #toomany #directions #infinite #maze #labyrinth #onestepatatime #nervoussystem #youbeginwhereyoubegin #braddahsgallery #thestoryofus #tothrive #forbradds #whatsyourwaffle
room #23
PAINTING #27 - NO MATTER WHAT KIND OF DECEMBER, ALL YOU NEED IS AN EMBER 04.12.13
Just when I started to have hope, I very quickly found myself back in a dark place. Feeling hopeful, if even for a moment increased the sensation of being boxed in. The larger the space between darkness & light, the more intense the darkness became. Especially when I realized that I could end up here again. Isolated in this dark, dank, shallow cave… all by myself.
My only ray of light was the comprehension that if I had come out of my darkness before, I could do it again. And then it hit me.. Hard… like a ton of bricks. I could cycle back into the darkness AND the light. Just like Earth. It was all cyclical.
I started to ponder on more questions. Like… what if I could learn to enjoy these sunrises and sunsets as a part of my experience in this Life? Regardless of the stories that contributed to the sensations. What if neither was better than the other… just different? Like the mountains vs the ocean.
Different sensations. Different experiences. Different realities.
What if Living was like playing a game? Well… I couldn’t think of a more sustainable way to Level Up than to practice and learn to Love what IS. It is a cyclical practice for me till this day. It is one of my most important practices as it allows me to let go of control. And I can Surrender myself to the experience that Life just IS.
You find yourself back in the darkness. This cave is small. The ceiling is low. The walls are wet and weeping like they were in the beginning. It smells old & moldy. There is a singular beam of light… focused on the plumeria of this painting.
Braddah appears at the other side of this cramped cave. Exposing a small dark door. You watch him as he slides away. You trust him more than you trust yourself, so you follow. As you slide through this dark cyclical tunnel, colors start to appear. By the time you land on your feet that tunnel transforms from darkness to all the colors of the rainbow. You are reminded of how energy is not good or bad, it just moves and transforms. You brush yourself off, and follow Bradds into the next room…
#art #gallery #acrylic #painting #acrylicpainting #suicide #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealth #cyclical #darkness #cold #compressed #claustrophobic #surrender #slide #nonduality #lovewhatIS #braddahsgallery #thestoryofus #tothrive #forbradds #whatsyourwaffle
room #24
PAINTING #28 - EVERY FORTRESS CAN CRUMBLE 06.09.13
Once I allowed the cyclical Nature of my being to sink in, I landed on my feet. Ready & curious for more. I was surprised I wanted go deeper. I’ve been working on myself for so long I felt drained. Like I had nothing left to give. There was too much to fix.
On one hand, I wasn’t wrong. I was deflated. Metabolically drained. Running hard, Running fast. And when I wasn’t running… hiding as much as possible. Creating a false sense of safety. Walls of protection that only caged in the true capacity of my heart.
I didn’t realize that all those years of protecting my heart stifled the very part of myself that made life full. What is the purpose of this life without the sensorial experience? Even the accomplishment of goals can be for nothing if we keep ourselves from feeling all aspects of the journey.
We acquire to feel. We pursue goals to feel. We create & commune to feel. And. We, as the silly creatures we are, seem to only be ok with feeling our way through life as long as we don’t have to feel or experience pain. To intensify that… we’re also clever to justify the boxes & boundaries we create that we don’t even notice… brick by brick… we’re suffocating.
Until one day we realize something isn’t right. Even if we’re unable to verbalize what’s wrong.
Braddah walks you over to a hammer. You pass this brick wall with a crack. You can see something behind this wall, but cannot make out what it is. It looks lifeless. You smash the brick wall and that lifeless thing pumps once. Adding in a little color. But you still can’t tell what it is.
You lay into the wall… ba boom… ba boom… it’s a heart. Coming back to life as the bricks slowly crumble. One last time… WHACK… the heart is pumping again. Creating enough energy to make fire. Braddah appears near a wooden deck and you both walk around the corner… confident you must feel your way through.
#art #gallery #acrylic #painting #acrylicpainting #suicide #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealth #brickwall #lifeless #deadheart #revive #breakdownwalls #toliveagain #wewantLex #braddahsgallery #thestoryofus #tothrive #forbradds #whatsyourwaffle
room #25
PAINTING #29 - LIFE IS MYSTERIOUS, LIVE BOLDLY 07.29.13
Something broke in me as I broke down my walls. The path thus far made it clear that there will be some risk involved. Meaning, there will also be fear. We are not privy to our future. We are allowed zero certainty with our choices. It’s all a mystery. Could I just become ok with that? Is it possible to alchemize that sensation to benefit me?
I feel so uncomfortable at the thought of change. There was a knowing that I’d lose myself. @sarabareilles has a beautiful and truthful lyric in her song #december:
“But to get yourself a new life
You’ve got to give the other one away”
And for some reason, that felt like a strange mixture of hope AND grief. That mix can feel overstimulating. Too much space between for one person to hold. Braddah had a way of lifting that weight. He made me feel lighter. Unburdened. Free.
His Spirit for Life parted my clouds & lifted me up. Every single day he gave me more than I could ever give him. So I gave him as much as I could. And I promised him I would learn how to Live. For him. Creating a connection I still can’t explain. That drives me to continue to give to him. To spread Big Bradds Love. To give the gift that he so preciously gave to me. To tell our Story together… The Story of Us.
You & Bradds come around a corner. There are clouds resting above a magnificent tree on a small hill. Before you know it, Bradds is sitting on a bench swing that hangs from this huge tree. Once you step in the sand & sit with him, a ray of the sun warms you both as you swing together. Knowing you have each other breaks the clouds and moves them away. You feel warm, light & free.
#art #gallery #acrylic #painting #acrylicpainting #suicide #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealth #aroundacorner #life #mystery #unknown #uncertainty #toloveagain #warmth #anchor #unburdened #free #connected #wewantLex #braddahsgallery #thestoryofus #tothrive #forbradds #whatsyourwaffle
Ps. This is the END of Part 1. Don’t worry… there is MUCH still to be told. We have truly just begun. Thank you to everyone who is following this story. I lack the words to express how much it means to me. To write, paint and contemplate about the darkest time of my life can be heavy. It brings my body right back to that place. I may never forget it. And that’s ok. To have you all here… reading and exploring this WITH me helps me take my very next step. I appreciate you being present with me more than you know. My only way to thank you is to create this. @lexfridman I hope you’ll want to help me tell this Story.
Part 2
Paintings from 2022 - 2024
You could think of Part 1 as the Dark Night of the Soul while Part 2 is my integration back into community and society. Therefore in Part 2, it is immediately setup for you to walk through with your people. To SHARE in the sensorial experience.
Just as it was important for you to travel through Part 1 alone, it is as equally important for you to travel through this second part with people.